The Lovestruck Diaries

From the vault: this was written 4/11/24 when I first started Yellowjackets. Ya’ll, I’ve been blogging a LONG time so I have tons of posts “from the vault” that just live in my hard drive- so I will be resharing some of my favorites.

I’m rewatching Yellowjackets and it’s still one of my favorite shows, so it reminded me of this post. Enjoy!

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Ugh… today was the first day of #CampNaNo where I really didn’t feel like sitting down to write.

I knew this day would come eventually. But I’m proud of myself for even showing up anyway.

These posts have kind of turned into little diary entries (which… makes sense considering I literally called this NanoDiaries, lol). I used to think everything I wrote had to be polished, structured, and professional… but lately I’ve been leaning into just writing what I feel.

So… welcome to my brain.

Today was one of those go-go-go days. Errands, library stop (of course), then home to work, work, work. My to-do list was to-doing the absolute most and my brain feels like 37 tabs are open at once… plus background music… plus one of them is frozen.

Also… I am 100% too caffeinated and slightly unwell about it,

Anyway…while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to share today, I realized I’ve been in my comfort show era lately… so I wanted to talk about my current obsession:

Yellowjackets.

My friend Leigh told me FOREVER ago that I would love this show, and of course I ignored her (as one does) until recently. I knew it dealt with trauma, and sometimes I just want my reality TV where I can turn my brain off and emotionally clock out for a bit.

But I finally gave it a chance and… oh my god.

It’s so good.

It’s queer, it’s funny, it’s dark, it’s emotional, the characters are insane in the best way, and every episode leaves you like “just one more…”.

But the thought I kept having while watching was…

“Damn… I wish my trauma made me like that.”

Shauna is one of the main characters (no spoilers, I promise), and the premise is basically: an all-girls soccer team survives a plane crash and has to live out in the wilderness for months, maybe longer. It’s intense. It’s messy. It’s survival in its rawest form.

And Shauna?

She is that girl.

She’s tough. She’s fearless. She does what needs to be done without hesitation. And it feels like her trauma hardened her in a way that made her… powerful.

And I found myself sitting there thinking…

“Why did my trauma make me afraid of everything… but hers made her unstoppable?”

I know, I know… it’s a fictional show. But still.

Because really…

I don’t feel fearless.

I feel… scared, a lot of the time.

I wake up in the middle of the night convinced someone is in my house. I overthink everything. I can’t watch the news without feeling like every horrible thing is suddenly possible for me or the people I love.

That filter of “that happens to other people” is gone.

And it’s exhausting.

I’ve always tried to spin my sensitivity into something beautiful, like, this is my superpower, this is my magic…but lately,

I’m just tired, you guys.

Like… can I please just be an ass-kicking, take-no-shit, main character energy baddie for ONE day??

Is that too much to ask?

I don’t think healing works like a light switch. I wish it did. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be like, “✨new personality unlocked✨”

But trauma doesn’t really leave. It just… shifts. It softens in some places, lingers in others, and sometimes shows up uninvited when you thought you were doing okay.

I’ve done therapy. Years of it. EMDR, medication, meditation…all the things.

And still… some days are just heavy.

But here’s the part of me that refuses to disappear:

Even in the heaviness… there’s still softness.

There’s still me lighting a candle at night. Still reaching for a cozy book. Still romanticizing little moments where I can. Still choosing to share my story, even the messy parts, because maybe someone else reads this and feels a little less alone.

And that matters to me more than being fearless.

Before I go, I just need to say, I am obsessed with Melanie Lynskey. She plays Shauna and there is just something about her that I adore. She’s captivating in this quiet, powerful way that I can’t stop watching.

If you haven’t watched Yellowjackets, consider this your sign. It airs on Showtime on Friday nights, and I promise, it’s worth it.

And if you have watched… tell me everything. Who’s your favorite? Are you as emotionally unwell about it as I am?

Let’s spiral together!

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